Archive for December, 2014

Drink

A somewhat refreshed woman, her more sober pal and a small child got on in Weston.

SRW: (Giggling) I’ve had a drink!
Me: (Unthinking) Me too

Then, realising the stupidity of that statement…

Me: (Somewhat urgently) For the record, I’ve not had a drink!
SRW: It’s OK. You’re wearing a seatbelt

Christmas

A festive gem, overheard during a conversation between two old ladies on the 1

LoL #1: Ooh, hello Doris. You going into town?
LoL #2: Yes
LoL #1: I’m not. I need to buy a wedding anniversary card for my son and it’s all Christmas cards in town, so I’m just off to the village
LoL #2: Yes
LoL #1: It’s always like that at this time of year in town, isn’t it? Christmas everywhere…
LoL #2: Yes
Me: Ho ho ho

Spine

The dangers inherent in a cheery welcome…

Me: (to a bloke getting on the bus) Morning. You alright?
Bloke: (huffily) I might look alright, but I need an operation on my spine and they’ve postponed it again
Me: Oh…

Students

The first proper Student Xmas Party night on the buses, most notably the 10, which goes through an area where many of the little blighters reside. They seem to go out really late and wear as little as possible.

Observations and experiences include:

* A lad who looked about 11 shouting “Cheers feller” to me as he got off. I replied “Welcome, young sir.” He ignored me.

* Four lads got on. All were myriad sheets to the wind and one was wearing a house ‘For Sale’ sign. He’d sort of climbed into the cardboard bit and had it like a waistcoat. I asked him to remove it, so he threw it into a garden. They proceeded to wrestle homoerotically on the back seat whilst vociferously calling each other “…f*cking c*nts…”. As they got off, all four politely thanked me.

* On a packed bus, two girls were loudly discussing the merits of a mutual friend, Helen, who ‘always’ comes on to them when she’s drunk. “I’m norra lezza.”, one vouchsafed. “Nah, I know”, the other one assured her. Protesteth much?

* Two Malaysian students clambered on, both clutching steaming Pizza Hut boxes. Their juggling attempts to keep said boxes horizontal on what was a super-packed bus were as admirable as they were fun to watch from the cockpit. Then, to cap it all, the girl said “Cheers, drive.” as they got off. Beautiful.

* Three girls got on, one of whom gave me a £20 note for a £1.50 fare. After I made a face, she said: “Buy yourself something nice.” I said: “Thanks. I’ll call the in-flight catering attendant.” Went over her head.

* I got a Full House: the bell rang for every…single…stop on the 10 route. On such things do my will to live depend!

* Finally, after signing off, I was chatting to one of the Polish drivers. “Busy out there. Did you get all the students?”. He turned to me, scowled, and said. “They are leetle sheets.” Prawdziwy, mate. Too bloody prawdziwy.

Ill

Doing the notorious 14 to Bath’s Royal United Hospital, a bus that always attracts a clientele that resembles the occupants of Death’s waiting room

Little old lady: Ooh, are you going to the hospital?
Me: Don’t think so; I feel perfectly fine
LoL: What?
Her husband: I’ve been ill… (sneezes volcanically)
Me: Sigh…