Archive for March, 2015

Hip

The Park & Ride double-deckers have a couple of bucket seats at the very front of the lower deck. They’re rather precarious and are usually favoured by little kids and passengers who like to ‘see where we’re going’.

A little old man, complete with walking stick, was trying to clamber up into one today…

LOM: (To his wife, whilst trying to balance on one limb) Let… me… just…
His wife: Come on, just get your leg over
Me: That’s what she said
HW: (To me) Ooh no, not that. He’s got a new hip, you see
LoM: (With a somewhat exasperated look) I do, you know
Me: Too much information…

Deaf

A conversation I had with a particularly deaf old bat, who got on with a small girl.

Deaf Old Bat: Ooh, hello
Me: Hello there
DOB: Pardon?
Me: Er…hello?
DOB: (scrabbling in her voluminous bag) I’ve got me pass
Me: OK
DOB: Pardon?
Me: Your pass. You’ve got your pass.
DOB: Yes
Me: And how about your granddaughter?
DOB: Pardon?
Me: Does your granddaughter need a ticket?
DOB: A ticket? Ooh, yes. How much is it?
Me: £1.10
DOB: Pardon?
Me: (losing patience by now) One. Pound. Ten. OK? One. Pound. Ten
DOB: (snippily) Well, I just can’t hear you
Me: Pardon?
DOB: Pardon?
Me: Game, set and match

Toerags

There’s a stop in Southdown that’s so badly designed that it’s always obscured by parked cars. People wishing to flag the bus down have to literally stand in the middle of the road, waving their arms like a demented windmill, so the driver can see them

Here’s a conversation I had with a posh old lady who had undergone that exact experience

POL: (breathless after much arm-wavery) Ooh, you saw me!
Me: Yes
POL: I have to stand in the middle of the road!
Me: Yes, it’s dangerous, isn’t it? It’s a bad stop really
POL: Well, they were supposed to build one of those bits of pavement, weren’t they? That sticks out into the road? You know? Like they did when they built those new houses on Rush Hill? You know? But oh no, they obviously couldn’t be bothered
Me: I suppose not
POL: (Venomously) Bloody toerags. (Then, more sweetly) Thank you, driver
Me: Snort