Archive for July, 2015


A beauty from the 5 last week

A young dad is struggling to keep hold of his toddler daughter, who’s patently jacked up on Haribo, Sunny D and Nik-Naks. As we approach their stop she liberates herself from his grasp and poodles up the bus. To her squealing delight he comes after her, grabs her and, as they get off, he says:

“‘Ere, you’re like Harry Hill!”

I think he meant Harry Houdini

Tourist #2

Another amusing clanger, this time on the 4 coming back in to Bath

To whit:

American Tourist: How much to Windsor Castle?
Me: (smirking) Windsor Castle?
AT: Uh-huh
Me: I guess around £52? You can get a coach from the bus station.
AT: (Incredulously) Really?
Me: Yep. Do you mean Windsor Bridge?
AT: (over his shoulder to his wife) Manny? Manny! Do I mean…Manny!… do I mean Windsor Bridge?
AT#2: (faffing with maps and other paraphernalia) No idea, honey
AT: (to me, somewhat stressed now) How much to the city centre?
Me: Bath or London?
AT: Excuse me?
Me: To Bath is £2.20 each
AT: OK. Two, please


A very small and doddery old man clambered on to the 1 today. With a flat cap, a double hearing aid and stereo walking sticks, he was part Clive Dunn, part giant tortoise on Mandrax.

After taking what seemed like an aeon negotiating the platform, and apropos of nothing, he leant conspiratorially in to me, whereupon the following exchange took place.

To whit:

Doddery Old Man: Aren’t lady’s skirts getting shorter!
Me: (somewhat taken aback) Er…yes…s’pose
DOM: Isn’t it wonderful!

And off he shuffled to sit down.